Welcome To One Of Many Stories I Fabricated In My Head 🧠
On Monday this week I had to leave work at my full time "day job" early-ish because I had a thumping headache and couldn't keep my eyes open. I logged off around lunchtime, had a nap, watched some trash tv and tried to rest for the afternoon. One problem though ... I was absolutely RIDDLED with guilt for logging off "sick". (Notice I didn't say "going home sick" cause ... I was already at home trolololol)
I told my relevant managers I was leaving, cancelled meetings with my stakeholders who were all fine with it ... but I still couldn't get rid of this feeling that people at work were talking about me behind my back. This feeling then snowballed into full blown paranoia. I became a crazy person ... when I should have been resting and recuperating so I was able to return to work on Tuesday 100% healthy and headache free, I instead spent the afternoon and well into the night worrying about what everyone thought about me and saying things to myself like:
"You shouldn't have gone sick - you could have pushed through"
"Everyone at work thinks you're useless and lazy"
"No one believes you actually had a headache, they think you're slacking off"
"They are planning to fire you anyway, so they let you have the afternoon off. They're probably thinking 'good riddance!'"
Seriously ... shit got so wacky and weird inside my head that night.
The Next Day ...
Obviously when I returned to work on Tuesday ... no one had even really noticed I was missing the day before, let alone cared about it. Who am I to think I'm so special that I'm the "talk of the town" at work when I take an afternoon off with a headache? I'm SO integral to the workplace that life simply CANNOT FUNCTION without Jody Smith there to save the day. HA - the AUDACITY!
Paranoia/Imposter Syndrome
My imposter syndrome has reared it's ugly head since working from home, and I'm not the only one. The problem for me lies in that I'm not able to read people's body language or facial expressions anymore in meetings, and I miss out on the informal check ins and water cooler chats - so my anxiety riddled brain has started concocting these crazy negative stories in my head to prepare me for the inevitable firing it thinks will happen.
This is a conversation I had with myself Monday night:
Jody's Brain: "Jody - you better start job hunting or ramping up your Career Stuff side hustle cause you're gonna be fired soon".
Me (trying to justify this thought): "Shit ... well ... maybe if I was fired I COULD focus more on Career Stuff - I've always wanted to work for myself. It'd be a blessing in disguise."
Jody's Brain: "Yeah but what if Career Stuff fails, and you make no money AND you have no job AND you're unemployable cause you've been fired and can't get a good reference?".
Me: "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck I'D BE HOMELESS IN THE GUTTER. I MIGHT DIE FROM FROST BITE AND EXPOSURE?! I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN! HOW CAN I PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING?!?!?!!?"
Jody's Brain: "You CAN'T prevent this from happening. It will definitely happen."
You get the picture ... this went on inside my head for hours as I was TRYING TO REST AND RECOVER FROM A BAD HEADACHE. I know my brain is just trying to do me a favour, and it's usually got my back ... but I did NOT need that sort of self talk at that time. NOT TODAY, SATAN!
So how did you move past this Jody - you crazy bitch? Well ... I'm glad you asked. Here's some tips for ya.
Talk to someone. I chatted to my boyfriend about it and he was like "Jody ... what the hell?! Get a grip - no one cares". Harsh ... but true.
Journaling. I've banged on about it before, and I'm going to bang on about it again cause it WORKS! I wrote down all the things I was thinking in a list, and then pretended a friend had said these things to me instead, and I went through the list and rebutted each one. Honestly - next time you say things to yourself like "your work quality is pure shit, and your manager definitely agrees and hates you" - imagine a friend has said that to you instead. Write it down, and respond. How would you respond? You'd say "Oi shutup - how do you know that? Maybe book some time with your manager for a check in. Get some proof first, then we'll talk".
Always remember - your brain doesn't always know what's best, and it doesn't always tell you facts. It can't predict the future, so what it is saying to you ISN'T TRUE! It's just a guess, and a terrible one at that. Always remember this.
Give this crazy talk alter ego of yours a name. I call mine "Worry Wart Jody". When WWJ shows up to a party uninvited, I tell her to piss off. She ain't welcome here with her conspiracy theories and her tin foil hats. Trying to prepare me for the end of the world. Just go away and let me live my LIFE, biatch! YOLO!
Please also know ... I am here for a chat if you want to bounce some hypotheticals off me too! I'm happy to be blunt and honest ("Shutup and stop being stupid") or caring and empathetic ("Awwwwww dang. You'll be so fine, everyone loves you!")
Hit me up for a chat if ya need 🙂
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